You Might be a Redneck Pagan If...

• If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....
• If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.....
• If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire....
• If the bell on your alter was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....
• If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's, and a Little Debbie.....
• If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest....
• If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"...
• If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people....
• If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....
• If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....
• If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, y'all! Watch me!"....
• If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret.....
• If you can play the "Burning Times" on the banjo....
• If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....
• If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate it........
• If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for Beltane....
• If you have cast a love spell on livestock....
• If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess....
• If you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV....
• If you've ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.....
• If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
• If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer.....
• If you pray nightly to the god of big tires.....
• If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car hoods....
• If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "the circle is open but never unbroken"...
• If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance....
• If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club....
• If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture....
• If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar....
• If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team....
• If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.....
• If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....
• If you've reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade......
• If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.....
• If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom......
• If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.....
• If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....
• If your altar cloth is vinyl......
• If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"....
• If your altar has a spit cup.....
• If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame".....
• If your annointing oil smells like Old Spice.....
• If your athame is by Bowie.....
• If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates.....
• If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it....
• If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.....
• If your circle dance contains the words "dosey-do"......
• If your circle dance is a two-step....
• If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest....
• If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"....
• If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks.....
• If your craft name starts with "Bubba"......
• If your familiar can point quail....
• If your familiar keeps mice out of the granary.....
• If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third cousin....
• If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still......
• If your favorite painting of the Goddess does her hair like Rheba McEntire....
• If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker....
• If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can of chaw.....
• If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars....
• If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli Girl...
• If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"....
• If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.....
• Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!!