You Know Your Goth

• You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit.
• You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night.
• You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer.
• You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose.
• Your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years.
• The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper."
• You use black cotton balls.
• You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years.
• You paint your fingernails black.
• You don't paint my nails black... you bash them with a hammer.
• Your purse is large, square and metal.
• The purse has scratches from being used in a fight.
• It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor.
• This is the reason it was scratched in a fight.
• You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store.
• You could spend all $500 on just make up.
• You avoid fights because it might smudge your make up.
• The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called "The Vampire's Kiss."
• You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on our face.
• You go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people."
• People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing.
• You can't even tell whether you're looking for a missing contact or dancing.
• The only day you feel normal is Halloween.
• Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day.
• You don't know whether the person you're sleeping with is male or female until you're actually in bed with them.
• You don't care.
• You were rooting for the vampires in From Dusk Til Dawn, Lost Boys, etc.
• In preschool, the only crayon you used was black.
• The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child.
• You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count.
• You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier.
• You decide Wednesday blows them both away.
• You think bats are "cute."
• You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones.
• You think anything dead is pretty.
• You think blood is pretty.
• You refer to your age in mortal years.
• You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady.
• You know what a Malkavian is.
• You know what a Malkavian is because you've been there, done that.
• You have the T-shirt.
• You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year.
• You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years.
• You would willingly undergo cosmetic dental surgery.
• You were disappointed to find out that American Gothic is a portrait of two farmers.
• You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours.
• You own a hearse.
• You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor.
• You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration."
• You keep a coffin in the back as a bed.
• You think of the hearse as the "family car."
• You think heresy is a religion.
• You claim heresy as your religion.
• You own a rosary that you wear.
• You own many rosaries that you wear.
• You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that alternates between your neck and the rearview mirror in your car.
• Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently.
• Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently.
• You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street.
• Satanists just look at you and smile.
• You laugh hysterically during those Church Of Latter-Day Saints commercials.
• You call for the free Bible anyway.
• You take great pleasure in vandalizing said Bible after waiting impatiently by your mailbox for 4-6 weeks.
• You stop vandalizing the Bible momentarily to look up Psalm 69.
• In your honest opinion, the image of Jesus ruins the beauty and natural fluidity of the cross.
• Whenever you knock on somebody's door they give you candy.
• You wish to name your first born Lestat.
• You plan to name your first born after any Anne Rice character.
• You didn't know they were characters.
• You argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires.
• You can debate both sides of that argument.
• You've participated in one of those "Do you think Tom Cruise was good as Lestat?" conversations.
• You've started one of those conversations.
• You saw Valor on the street, you would throw your large, metal purse at him.
• You and your friends enjoy congregating in a local graveyard.
• No one you know is buried there.
• You and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards.
• You take pictures of the gravestones while reciting Oscar Wylde or singing "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths.
• You know the words to "Cemetry Gates" by The Smiths.
• You know who The Smiths are.
• You can reminisce through all 4 locations of The Kitchen Club and 2 of The Church.
• You put on The Wake and practice dancing in front of the mirror.
• You practice with your own personal strobe and blacklight.
• You are too poor to afford either and stole the lights off the Christmas tree.
• You are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band.
• When someone else "discovers" you're favorite band, you find another favorite band.
• You own 16 or more Cleopatra CD's.
• You own even 1 Projekt CD.
• Your favorite poem is "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe.
• Your favorite poem is "Metamorphosis of a Vampire" by Charles Baudelaire.
• You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre.
• You refer to others as "The Normals".
• You refer to your leather-clad brethren as "Those Industrialites" or "Rivet-heads."
• You go to South Beach, but have never seen the ocean.
• Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to.
• Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does.
• You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up.
• You and your boyfriend fight over make up.
• You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up.
• You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith.
• You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them.
• You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition.
• The people in the grocery store have refused to sell you any cereal other than Count Chocula.
• People ask you to autograph boxes of Count Chocula.
• You know what Renfield's Disease is.
• You have Renfield's Disease.
• Throw a Black Valentine Day party.
• You decorate your Christmas Tree with crows and black ribbon.
• You wear a mourning veil to your best friends wedding.
• All her bride maids wear black.
• All your living friends take anti-depressants or at least pretend too.
• You have taken anything on this list personally.